...then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out - wish I knew...

10:54pm:

Your Power Color Is Gold

At Your Highest: You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you. At Your Lowest: You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life. In Love: You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude. How You're Attractive: You passion for life makes others passionate about you. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Having Fun?"

2:04pm: So I realize I haven't written for quite a long time. But I believe it's time to start this business up again. At least for today.

I've come to this realization lately. I think the word "senior" is kind of starting to hit me. The weird thing is, if you had asked me last year, or maybe even the year before if I felt that I was ready for college, if I felt that I was in transition somehow, I would have answered with a resounding "Heck Yes! Get me outta here - give me new people, new ideas, new everything!" During the last year or longer, I have complained about my routine, the mundaneness of my everyday high school/extracurricular activities. I'm realizing now that "get me outta here" feeling wasn't a true transition mode.

Last Friday night, I was at the last football game of the year, talking to two of my guy friends who graduated a couple years ago. We talked about our glory days of cross country, what it was like for them to go off to college, how everyone changes after high school. We talked about how Saturday was going to be my last regional cross country meet, and how there were only a few days left of the season before the state meet. I actually cried when I got home, filled with a feeling of "this is it."

Last night I spent two hours riding the bus home from a cross country meet in Lisbon. Staring out across the bleak horizon, with the colorful sunset on one side of me, and the full moon rising on the other, I was filled with a sense of identity. Sitting with my rowdy team as I sat quietly looking out the window, I realized this IS who I am. These miles of seemlingly empty landscape, this big bus of familiar faces who I have spent hours with talking, running, sweating, encouraging, my button-filled schoolbag full of books from classes with teachers I've known for years - this small town North Dakota, cross country and school-filled life - it is not just my mundane routine I must go through to get on to better things (college) ... it is ME. This is my life, this is where I come from, this is who I am.

And so it is strange that I have spent much of my high school career yearning to break free of this cradle of what I know. Because now I am a senior, filled with confusion and anxiety on where I want to go, what I want to do with my life, and am finally realizing where I come from, and trying to soak in every second of the life I was so eager to just get through.

3:33pm: I feel like this Werther's Original in my mouth is the only sweet thing in my life right now.

7:17am:

English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 77% on Beginner You scored higher than 72% on Intermediate You scored higher than 91% on Advanced You scored higher than 85% on Expert

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12:57pm: Life is kicking my ass.

I'm sitting in the library 3rd period right now. I'm supposed to be looking up some shit about Venezuela for Spanish class. Actually, I'm not even supposed to be on the internet considering I still don't have my internet permission form in. Oh well.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Yeah, feel. What is it to feel? Is it possible to overfeel? I feel like shit. Sometimes I wonder if I just make myself overwhelmed or if I really am. I have my first track meet tomorrow. I'm sick. Regional speech on Saturday - my last chance to qualify for state, I haven't yet. I have 7 pieces of music to memorize in the next couple of weeks. 3 of them are acapalla and in Norwegian, French, and Spanish. I want to keep my grades up - they weren't too bad last quarter, but I'm still ranked 9th in my class - wouldn't mind moving up - but I suppose it would help if the people in front of me weren't taking bullshit easy-A classes. Prom's coming up - I guess I should start tanning. I was planning on doing so tonight, but of course, I didn't sign up for tanning yet. I have a lot of homework tonight. I have to write a paper about the transcendentalist idea of being at peace with life - taking the moment and living in the present, letting yesterday be yesterday and tomorrow be tomorrow. Wouldn't that be a lovely view of life to have right now? Well, I don't. I feel like I'm drowning in my overwhelmedness. If I could only calm down, grab onto something stable and slowly make my way out, I'd be okay. Unfortunately, I'm panicing at how deep I am, splashing the whole time, making it all the easier to drown.

The feeling over top all these other feelings of worry, stress...I'm empty. Strange how all the many things I have going on can somehow still not fill the emptiness. All I do seems to be an obligation, an expectation. I feel like I lost the one thing in my life that was perfectly good. I've had this emptiness before - but a certain somebody seemed to fill that up - and now that he's gone, the emptiness is back - except this time, worse - since now I know what it was like to have it filled. I don't even know how to explain this whole feeling, I guess I'll have to later cuz the bell's about to ring. Whatever. I thought I'd be okay this morning - I actually got some sleep last night. But I feel like shit again. How much control of my feelings do I have? Ah frickin a - this is pissing me off- I have to go.

3:22pm: So this is odd
The painful realization
That all has gone wrong
And nobody cares at all
And nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
And burned the letters lover wrote
But it doesn't make it any better
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange
Our sidestepping has come to be
A brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all
Where nobody leads at all

And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening
And keeping you from sleep
And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking's just too much to ask
And you're measuring your minutes
By a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving,
Insatiable,
Yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
Before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.


Brilliant Dance by Dashboard Confessional

9:26am: Yeah, it's been awhile...
So here I sit, looking very much like a ragamuffin with my cut-off t-shirt and sweaty messy ponytailed-hair. It's been forever since I've posted, but I got home from cross country practice a few minutes ago and thought ya know, why not? I've had a lot going on in my life lately but here are some of the main things:

1. Worst surprise of the summer. Alex moved. My best friend of the last four years moved across the state - 3 and a half hours away from me on Sunday. It all happpened so soon too. She found out August 7th, and yep, left one week and one day later. Her dad got a good job out there, and I'm sure she's very capable and will make new friends easily and settle in and everything, so I'm excited and happy for her, but kinda scared for me. In a small town, it's hard to find someone that you really can connect to, okay, maybe not find someone you can connect to, but there's definitely less of a choice of who you can be friends with - so when you have someone you can talk to about anything, share same values/interests with, go places with, all that stuff, you really cherish it. So yeah, I guess I'm just saying it was really hard to see her leave. I cried about 5 times I think. I mean, she'll be back semi-regularly, her grandparents live here still and stuff, but it's gonna be pretty tough. But I guess God let her move here and be a good friend to me when I needed her in seventh grade, so He's got a plan for us both and has got it taken care of. K, enough on that...

2. I went to Bible camp the first week of August and had an amazing time, as always. Alex and I went together and both learned a lot and felt like we both got a lot closer to God. I definitely think I came back with a different attitude about things this time, and my "God high" still hasn't worn off. I've been reading my Bible and praying a lot more, and everything just seems so much easier to deal with. Also, I had a great time getting to know lots of different people. Okay, I guess I mean one person in particular. This guy's so awesome, he's one of those kind of people that you'll talk to him and hardly know him, but you feel like you've known him forever and can talk about anything. So yeah, we've been e-mailing and talking on the phone lately - for like an hour and a half last night so I'm tired this morning - woops - but yeah, it's cool. Exceeeeeeept um, he's dating someone and lives 6 hours away. Is that bad? Idunno, I just know that he's really a good guy and I love talking to him. Moving on.

3. I started cross country a week and a day ago. It's going pretty well I guess. I was so sore the whole first week though. XC's really different this year though, we're missing all the senior guys that basically were the character of our team last year. And since we only have one senior, my classmates and I are basically the "elders of the team." So that's interesting. One thing that's cool and different about cross country is that it's such a mixed bag of people - seriously, random people that wouldn't come together for any other reason except to suffer together in the horribile sport called running. And that makes a bond between us all despite our differences. So I'm kinda excited about it but dreading the running part, as always. Our first meet's on Friday and I'm already a tad nervous.

4. School starts in a week and one day. (Man everything seems to be a week and one day.) So I'm loving all those Back to School catalogs in the paper. Barf. I mean, I'm excited for football games and the social aspect, but scared of the academic portion of school.

Well, I guess that's about what I can leave ya with today...I gotta eat breakfast, I'm pretty hungry. Hey Anna, if you read this, remind me to ask you about a girl I met from your church at Bible camp.

11:31pm: Where the crack do I live? The middle of rural North Dakota is so damn lame.

12:56am: da POOL
Reasons I Love Working at the Pool:

1. Crazy things happen. So we had this pet mouse a couple lifeguards caught a month ago, and yesterday he died. We had a very appropriate burial for him, with flowers, a little rock tombstone, and I was even convinced by someone to read a couple verses from the Bible from our Lost and Found. Then today, we went back to the "gravesite" where we find his body dug up by someone (I quote "What kind of sick person would dig up a mouse?") or more likely, someTHING, so we had to rebury him.

2. Some pretty fun people to work with. If they're not nice/fun - they can be fun to laugh at their behaviors. Was that mean?

3. Yeah, I guess I get a tad bit of a golden glow by the end of the summer.

4. We get to listen to music all day. And call in to the radio and occasionally get put on air.

5. Some kids are nuts - and all you can do is look at them and laugh.

6. It's not school. Even though I did see two of my teachers today - well, three counting Mr. A. when I was riding horse. Anyone else dislike seeing teachers outside the classroom? Awkwardness UP the wazoo.

Reasons I Hate Working at the Pool:

1. I think I'm getting some kind of weird rash from it. A heat rash...I'm hoping?

2. Some people are stuck on the stupid traditions and don't realize that some things are totally inappropriate. No one seems to think that it's inappropriate to teach kids at swimming lessons how to jump off the board before they know how to swim, or even float for that matter.

3. It's very hot.

4. Some parents are real annoying and do stupid things like walk through the Lost and Found every day to look for their kids stuff, or bitch us out for not noticing the girl walking towards 12 feet - she wasn't freakin in the water yet.

5. Some of the conversations are SO shallow while sitting in a chair next to someone for 9 hours. I can only stand so much of hearing who's getting a divorce, who the real biological parents of some kid are, and who has happened to gain or lose weight this summer.

--Yeah, there's more. Oh so much more. But I'm tired. My weekend was quite bogus since I frickin worked the whole time - but hey - one week - WARPED TOUR - I'm so pumped. And yeah, the three sessions of swimming lessons are only 9 hours away - so it is off to bed for this girl. (Whoa, yes Kari, I did just say "this girl". My, you're a terribile influence.)

1:20am: Roooooodeo!
The Binford Rodeo was...awesome. The bull riding was such a rush and Lee was a gentleman. The drunk fest - er street dance - wasn't too bad either. I just realized that we've been out of school for almost a month. What have I DONE the whole time? I really don't know. But the rodeo tonight definitely was a highlight of this season so far.

1:11am: Summer.
I think I'm sort of coming to the conclusion that time spent on internet past midnight makes me feel sad, crabby, and lonesome. It's just not very fullfilling. Y'know, I was ready to post a nice long one here tonight, since it's been awhile since I've updated, but eh, I'll just put a few highlights in here.

1. My parents are all gung-ho about me riding my bike to work, and if you live in a small town like mine, you may understand the "nerdiness" of riding bike. It's just once you hit fourteen and get your license - kiss your bike goodbye - you must drive everywhere. So yeah, it's pretty awful that I ride bike - I try to convince myself it's good excercise and not really care if other people care. But I do make an "adventure" out of it by trying to take the few back roads available, and stay out of human sight as much as possible. To get on the with the story...The other day, my family was all gone, so I decided to take my dad's pickup to work. I had narrowly avoided the basketball hoop on the way out of the garage earlier that morning, and when I had put the pickup back in, I made sure to stray to the right to avoid the hoop. Well, in my mad rush to get to work, I backed straaaaaight out of the garage, completely forgetting that I had parked quite far to the right. I back out and hear a "Boom!" I immediately let out a "Shit!" turn off the pickup, and go outside to find the mirror completely bent backwards and scratched on the side. Greeeeat, so now I'm late for work, I took the pickup knowing I was supposed to have ridden my bike, and I busted my dad's mirror. Sounds like the beginning of a super day. (Not to mention being only delegate of the youth trip in church that Sunday to make an announcement.) But ya know, it turned out okay - I didn't get in trouble for being late for work, a fellow lifeguard bent the mirror right back into place, and so far my parents haven't noticed the scratch. So I guess I'll be all right.

2. We started swimming lessons on Monday. I hate the way our pool teaches swimming lessons. They don't make all the guards take the Water Safety Instruction, so therefore, half of us don't know what the heck we're teaching and how to teach it. It's harder than you may think to teach kids to swim! To add onto that, the lifeguards spend half the class letting the first and second levels jump off the board when they don't know how to swim! It's like yeah, good idea - let's teach kids that they can jump into deep water they don't know how to swim in so they can try it someday and drown. Especially when their parents are paying 20 dollars to have their kid actually learn how to swim. Seems pretty obvious, right? I mean, even without having a professional swimming instructor telling all our lifeguards that, maybe that should be obvious. I finally got the balls - er - guts - to say something to all the lifeguards at the same time the other day. "Y'know guys, I really don't think the kids should be jumping off the boards before they know how to swim. It makes them think they can jump into deep water when they can't even swim." The assistant manager comes over and whispers in my ear loud enough for all to hear "Erin, it's a TRADITION." and I get more shouts out from the other lifeguards, "Yeah, it's a tradition." And I just kinda mumble "Not a very good one." So I sorta tried. And I guess I just decided that the kids I teach in my levels won't go off until they learn how to swim. Too late. I was gone one day this week when I went to Fargo - I asked Brent what he did with the kids the next day - "Oh, they jumped off the board." Greeeeeeat. So much for that plan. Screw it - I'll just hafta endure my 5 more weeks of swimming lessons, be nice to the kids and hope to teach them as much as I can. One of the girls in my classes is really cute - sooo talkative and smart, her name's Chelsey. I mean, her talkativeness can be slightly annoying, but it's pretty funny - and she sorta reminds me of how I was when her age - a motormouth who loves horses. There were some other things we seemed to have in common too. So ya know, swimming lessons isn't ALL bad - I'm just frustrated at the way they're run.

3. I've been horseback riding a few times this week. A couple times with my dad/sister, and one time with three of my friends. Tonight I rode bareback on Laquinta, and she was being kinda antsy (as she usually is with me, but of course NEVER is for my dad, because she's "perfect" for him - If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Well when I ride her she doesn't do that..." Anyway...) She was antsy, I was riding bareback, and she sorta reared up - just a little one - and then she was fine - a minute later, she rears up - all I'm realizing is that her hind legs are on the ground, her front feet are in the air, and her head's up. It's so strange because it seems to happen in slow motion, but at the same time so fast that you can't do anything about it. So I realize she's rearing up, and the next thing I can remember is standing up next to her holding the reins. I must have just fallen straight off her butt and stood up right away - it happened so fast. It was weird. And it actually kinda pissed me off. So my dad and I switched horses - and of course, she acted quite a bit better for him. He seems to have the magic charm with the horses - I mean, I'm a good rider - is that okay to say that without bragging? I mean, I feel really comfortable on the back of a horse. But the horses always cooperate so much better with my dad, probably b/c he's bigger and stronger and disciplines them more quickly than I do, so they seem like they know they can get away with stuff more easily with me. Anyway, when I rode Cimmaron I had a good time. Did a little running through the fields, that felt good.

4. I went to a meeting about our mission trip today. I'm pretty excited - we're going to an Indian Reservation in Montana to do VBS stuff/house repairing. They have kind of a strict dress code though - no kinda short shorts, no tank tops, cut off sleeves, one piece swimsuits, stuff like that. (Not that normally I try to be as immodest as possibile - but no cut off sleeves?) There's also no hair dryers, straightners, that kinda thing allowed. So I think I'm gonna try to take this as a "Don't focus on your appearance" time for me - sometimes I get too worried about what I look like, as much as I don't wanna be one of those kinda girls. I mean, I don't spend hours in front of the mirror doing makeup or anything, but I do care about what I look like, and sometimes maybe too much. So yeah, I guess I'll just hafta let this be kinda a learning experience for me. A disappointing thing about the trip - Zack can't go with us anymore. He just got home from Minneapolis, and this surgery was a really big deal, so I guess the doctor said a "no way" to his coming along on the trip. He said he's gotta rest up and eat for the next couple of weeks. It was good to see him again today, though.

Well, it's really late now - this post turned out to be a lot longer than I expected it to be. I guess sometimes you just start writing and the only thing you can do is keep going. Hmm, I hope that happens to me when I finally get around to writing my short story for Creative Writing. (Yes, I'm still not done with that class...) But yeah, I'm out. Night.

12:54am: "Best Lifeguarding Day EVER!"
Remember a previous post giving a very brief explanation of a good day of lifeguarding? Well - today most definitely topped it. A semi-warm day, but still - only a meager 7 kids in the pool in a whole 8 hours. I certainly don't mind getting paid $5.30 an hour to:

a) Play four-corner catch with three different kinds of balls with the other lifeguards.

b) Soak up some rays and tan actually laying out on towels instead of soaking up rays on only one side of my body due to the unfortunate positioning of the lifeguard chairs.

c) Order Pizza Ranch pizza and NOT have to pay back the person who paid for it.

d) Watch our pool pet, a mouse named Dwayne the Second (the first Dwayne was our buddy last year) chomp happily on his warm lettuce in his paper towel roll-filled (waterless) aquarium home.

e) Call in the radio for almost every opportunity to win tickets to one thing or another - I didn't realize one time until after they announced the winner that I was actually calling to win a trip to see a boxing match. But I WAS caller 9 when they were searching for caller 14 to go to some good concert - can't remember which one though.

f) Have a bet to see who can get a radio DJ they called in to play their requested song first - I lost the bet - but I DID (for the second time this WEEK - Yes, I'm famous) get my name announced over the radio! (After I called in and spent quite awhile explaining my frustration that 104.7 rarely plays songs that I request - they explained that this wasn't the Jamestown radio station that no one listens to and it there are only so many places where you can fit in a requested song.) Not long after this nice phone chat was a "We've got some Atomship coming out for Erin and Whitney who are lifeguarding in Cooperstown. Thanks for listening to the Dam!" The other day actually got my voice on the radio...booyeah.

g) Having plain old goofy times with Joe, Rusty, and Whitney. "Skeeto! Chest! Go!" Ah, nevermind. You'd hafta be there to fully understand I spose. The whole lifeguarding experience wasn't entirely perfect however - I have a bit of a sunburn and some nasty mosquito bites. Rusty ended up getting really crabby at Joe and I in the last about half hour or some reason, and Whitney left for Summer League basketball. Well that's about all I got...

1:05am: It's so much easier to lifeguard when the water's only 64 degrees and the kids jump out two mintues after getting in. Bwahaha.

1:07am: Feeling oh-so-much better
Nothing like a little Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 3 friends and some homestarrunner to cheer you up.

9:24pm: Rain, rain, go away...
So it's raining for what...the thirteenth day in a row? Hmm, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it seems as though I haven't seen the sun in years. And I do believe this weather's starting to get to me. I once again am in my "irritated by the world and all its inhabitants" mood - I was complaining in my head earlier today about everyone - when I realized, it probably isn't everyone. It's just me. Maybe I need some more structure in my life - a week without running and school sounds care-free, but maybe I just...need them? No, can't be. The pool's supposed to open on Tuesday, so maybe I'll feel better with a job I can go to. It's a little hard to imagine lifeguarding in 90 degree sunny weather while I'm looking outside at the gloomy dark and cold weather. While I was at a wedding reception this afternoon in a nicely decorated little house and feeling very antisocial and simply staring out the window, the rain almost seemed to fit. Not with the atmosphere of the house so much, but with how I was feeling - almost a little sad and lonely, softly pouring all around - but just such a nuisance - what I feel like right now - getting annoyed with everything the way I am.

I'm feeling unsatisfied with the people around me, unsatisfied with the weather, unsatisfied with the lack of excitement I get from anything - despite my efforts to not let myself get bored - watching movies, rollerblading, riding horse, cleaning my room - but I think I'm also just feeling an unsatisfaction with ... myself.

I got my report card the other day - and I almost wanted to cry. I went down 3 rankings in my class, my g.p.a. went down - I'm not working - well, I guess I should say - didn't work up to my potential this year in school. Or maybe I'm just not as smart as I thought I was. And exactly halfway through high school, I feel like I've somewhat screwed myself over all ready grades-wise. To top it off, I have to listen to other people who have done really well in school - being ranked first in their class, getting a 4.0, stuff like that. Yep, that makes me feel REAL happy.

Also, most of my friends went to state track this year - they were gone for the last three days - and I know I shouldn't really be so upset about it, because it's certainly not that I expeted to qualify for state - but I guess to be honest, I felt a little left out. And when I couldn't go on the bus, none of my plans to drive with other people worked out either. I mean, it probably wasn't even that big of a deal that I didn't go - and I feel kinda stupid about it - but I actually was pretty upset.

A little bit ago, I talked online to one of my guy friends who I haven't hung out with since probably April. I said something about not having talked to him forever - and he went on to say I was "too cool for him." I actually thought it had been the other way around him - but he insisted I was wrong. I don't know if I should be happy that he actually didn't think he was too good for me or sad that he got the impression I was too good for him. Maybe we both somehow got that weird idea from each other. I don't know.

I wish something really exciting/fun would happen to me and put me in a really happy mood for about a week. And yes, I do realize nothing exciting/fun is going to happen to me while I sit here moping (how DO you spell that word?) about how frustrating things are going right now - when they probably aren't that bad. Two quotes come to mind that make me feel like a dumbass: "Only boring people get bored." and "Things are as fun as you make them to be."

I want to just switch my mood around "turn that frown upside down" as they say - but strangely, it's almost more comfortable to let myself think that things are rotten right now. When it should be great - right? I mean, no school for three months, I've got freedom, Kari's home, I've been rollerblading, riding horse, baking Betty Crocker Party Rainbow Chip cake the last few days - buuuut still. Oh what's my deal? Can I blame it on the weather?

So this is a rant. But it's easy to be depressed on a rainy day.

*Anyone wanna comment? I haven't gotten one for awhile. <-- Well, that made me sound like a loser. I guess this whole entry's already done that though.

2:44pm: Awards Time.
If my mom had to make a choice for "Spoiled Brat of the Year Nominee," I bet she'd pick me. I once again over-reacted to her request for me to help around the house with some jobs. It started out with a "That's what I hate about summer - I get stuck staying aruond the house doing jobs!" Part of my rant went off because I'm frustrated that I'm staying home on a beautiful day when I've planned for over a month to be at state track today. I wanted to go with the team even though I didn't qualify (one of the foreign exchange students got to do that and I didn't...errr) but I was willing to go with some of my friends. And each one of my ideas of different people to go with fell through. So anyway, there's the background information on why mood is how it is today. And so I kinda went off on my mom and then she, although she said she wasn't trying to, laid a big guilt trip on me about how much she has to balance with her work and family life and how she must be raising a spoiled brat if I'm doing nothing all day and complain about a half hour clothes folding job. I ended up feeling really bad after that long talk.

Other than that little talk/lecture I had a few minutes ago, my summer's been going pretty well I guess. After going to a bunch of graduation open houses on Sunday, I played Capture the Flag until about 1 in the morning at Campbell's house. The people I was with made it really fun - we got all into it and went way out into a field and made our way sneakily back towards where the flag was...only to find out that the game had been over for 15 minutes. Woops - it still was a lot of fun though.

I started working at the pool on Monday - well, we just cleaned and hung up signs and filled toilet paper rolls, all that kinda good stuff. I spent the afternoon pitching manure/cleaning barn at the farm. It was a really rainy/icky day, but I managed. Lately, I've basically been either hanging around my house doing things like making a friendship anklet thing or spending way too much time cleaning my room because I keep getting distracted. I went rollerblading once, went to Fargo with Alanna, watched movies at Whitney's a couple times, and went horseback riding last night. And that's basically my week. I think I'm gonna go see if they need any help at the Post Office (the restaraunt I worked at during the winter) for the summer. Maybe get a few hours waitressing in here and there - I need to make some moolah for a youth trip I'm taking to Montana in a few weeks and I'm possibly going to Europe next summer. So we'll see. I'm outta here though...

10:47am: Summer!
Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I felt carefree. Just completely carefree. I finished school on Friday and most of my finals went pretty well, I guess. I wish I had gotten a better grade on my World History test, but the teacher seemed to put stuff on the test that I defintiely would not classify as some of the most important aspects of the history of the world considering I don't remember ever talking about them in that class, or even knew the names for that matter. But school's over. I think this year must have been my worst attitude in school ever - I'm afraid I complained bitterly - and probably made it into being way worse than it actually ever was. It feels so good to be out, though. However, I didn't get to feel completely stress-free until after I finished running my 2-mile at regionals yesterday. I got my goal - to get sixth place - just enough to get my name in the newspaper. I didn't get a new personal record or anything though, and was actually a little disappointed with my time. But my coach tried to tell me that placing was more important than time yesterday - I helped our team win first place in regionals! woo! Both the girls and boys teams got first yesterday, so that was fun. It's sad to see all the seniors leaving though - track and cross country is going to be so different without their leadership and all. But time moves on, things change, people move in and out of your life, and I guess ya just gotta go with it. So today's graduation and I've gotta play trombone in the band - argh - I really don't like that instrument very much. But oh well, last time I'll hafta play it until next year. After that, a couple of my friends and I are gonna be going to a bunch of open houses, so that should be kinda fun. And tomorrow, I'm already starting my job - all the lifeguards have to clean the pool, paint, do all that fun stuff. Summer is here. *happy sigh* I've been waiting for this for so long. A whole three months of freedom, fun, sunshine, riding horse, jumping off thompson bridge, camp, friends...I'm pumped. Well that's all I got...

11:06pm: I thought this was cool.
I was reading a few poems to my little brother Daniel tonight to say good night to him before he went to bed, and I ran across this one. I just thought it was really cool and wanted to put it in here. To give credit to the author and all - it's called "Tomorrow" by Debby Boone.

You know, that's a great word-
"tomorrow"

Tomorrow you're
one day closer to Christmas,
one day closer to your birthday,
one day closer to trying something new.

Forget yesterday.
If you haven't been able to hop on one foot,
maybe tomorrow.
IF you haven't been able to reach the light switch,
maybe tomorrow.
If you haven't been able to jump this far,
maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow you could-
Call someone you love
Draw a picture
Say something nice
Try something new.

Tomorrow is a new day,
and it could be your best day.

What do you want to do tomorrow?



Yes, I think this poem was aimed for younger kids, but I really liked it. I mean, I could change a few of the words - tomorrow, I'll be one day closer to...say, marrying the man I've been waiting for all my life. If I wasn't able to get under 13:35 in the 2 mile (my new P.R. as of yesterday - woo!) then maybe tomorrow. It's just so refreshing - tomorrow is completely new and I can start completely over. I seem to like new beginnings - like if I'm going to start something new - oh cheesy example here, like if I'm going to start doing 50 sit ups a day, I like to start on the first day of the month. Maybe that's why I liked the poem so much. Well I'm outta here - 3 more days left of school - isn't it crazy that all day I've been thinking how maybe school isn't all that bad when I've basically hated it all year? Ah, Idunno - maybe I liked the whole idea of spending half the day doing our community service project (which is actually my job as a lifeguard) of painting the pool. And the fact that we got to eat square, yes SQUARE - those are the best ones - hamburgers outside on a beautiful sunny day. So summer's gonna officially start about Sunday for me - track's over Saturday and school's over Friday. Yay. Well I'm outta here...

10:17pm: I hate homework. Spending the last 3 hours on that Biology report just made me so crabby. Can I please just have time jump ahead one week so I'll be done with all my school and track stuff? Please? And how bout the weather actually NOT be cloudy for a day? ARGH!

12:12am: I had a Werther Original's after my track meet and it made my day. I ran all right today, considering the weather was really rainy/windy (we were in a tornado warning). But it's now after 12, and I'm beyond tired. Why didn't I just go to bed when I came home instead of spending 2 hours on messenger with more mostly meaningless conversations? *heavy sigh*

12:23am: If I would have written in here last night, when I was lying awake in bed, I would have had so much to write. Last night, the various thoughts and emotions in my head were just cruising around in circles. But now it's tonight. And I'm feeling a little out of it, I guess. I just got back from Whitney's - watched Brother Bear (yes, Brother Bear - the one where that boy turns into a bear) with Whit, Alanna, and this guy from Valley that I met. It was pretty fun I spose. Anyway - a peek into the ponderables (is that a word?)/realizations I've had the last couple days.

1. I really like when people turn out to be not at all what they seem. It makes me feel kind of stupid for judging them, but then I learn something. And it's really cool. There's a boy in my grade that moved here last year who's really quiet. I'd said hi to him occasionally, but never really talked to him all that much - maybe partly assuming he was kind of boring and insecure if I want to really be honest. I got put in a group with him for an Algebra project we had to do - something about finding out where to put fenceposts on a baseball diamond if you have the centerfield point and stuff, and then put it in this equation and...That's irrelevent right now. The fact is, I knew this guy was pretty smart, but I didn't think he would come up with many ideas or anything since he was pretty quiet. He turned out to be really smart, he came up with really good ideas that he stood up for, was really patient, (which was good for me since, if you've seen ANY of my livejournal entries, I can get frustrated with Algebra QUITE easily). He was easy-going, cooperative, really nice, and we got the project done way before everyone else. So I learned something. I needed that.

2. I'm wondering...what makes people attracted or not attracted to certain people? I'm going beyond looks here - but certain people, even if you know they're not right for you, have something about them that attracts you to them. And then there's other people who you almost SHOULD be attracted to because you have so much in common and it just seems logical that you should be, but you're not. I could go on, but I think I'm a tad too delerious to make any sense of this matter right now.

3. I'm really disliking this antsy/unsatisfied/irritable feeling I've been experiencing alot this week. Yes, it probably has something to do with the fact that we've got only 5 days left of school and I'm itching for summer. It could also be the fact that weather's been mostly cloudy this whole week, and that definitely makes me crabby. Today was a little better mood-wise for me (maybe because the sun was out) but most of the week, I've just been annoyed with so many things that normally don't bother me. Sick of school, certain classes in particular - and this is bad because I feel like my grades are all kind of slipping in the last couple weeks here. And then it just feels worse when my mom lectures on me on how I need to get my grades up to where they should be and how much I need to be studying and everything. I think part of the reason that drives me crazy is the fact that I agree with her. Of course, I don't admit that - I kind of argue with her about it, and it really pisses me off. But the truth is, I DO know that I'm kind of slacking and that if I want to get into a good college, it just may help to work up to my potential. But I already feel that I've sort of screwed myself over. I wish I had the discipline/responsibility of this one particular girl in my class, or the hard work ethic of another. But I don't. Here proves it. The other day, at the track meet, my mom was talking to some other parents about my trombone playing. They were asking about if I'd be playing first trombone in band next year, and my mom said something like "Well, I don't know if Erin really tries very hard it. She has fun with the people she plays with and I think she just plays because she can have fun with it." The other parents laughed and said "That's kind of the way Erin does everything." And then my mom said something about "Yeah, Erin doesn't hide her personality too much, does she?" Oh I don't know. But maybe they're right. Actually, they probably are. I kind of do things by how much fun I can have at them. Homework? I do it until I get sick of it. Running? Well, I wish I was a really good runner, but I haven't fully GOTTEN it and can't seem to push myself 'to that next level.' So I just kinda like to get in shape and socialize I guess. Speech and music I don't practice all that much, but I guess I certainly enjoy the socializing aspect of those, and I do enjoy the performing and actual singing and talking/reading. I've been told that my cleaning is "half-ass." Whatever. Woops, guess I screwed this organized list form of things - mosta this paragraph doesn't belong under the "antsy/unsatisfied/irritable" category - oh well. It's about 1, I'm really tired/out of it, and I've got a track meet tomorrow. Running the 2 mile, baby! I'm kind of worried about how it's going to go. 2 times ago, I ran it and set a personal record, sent my 'running confidence' up a bit, and then when I ran it last Saturday, I ran 38 seconds slower - so then my running confidence shot way down. I talked to my coach about that tonight though, and he put his arm around me, (almost engrafting my head into his shoulder in a kinda freaky way) and said "No, Erin, you need to understand that you will have bad days of running. It's part of being a distance runner. Your legs were probably just feeling sluggish. You don't have to be like that tomorrow." And wow, it's late, I can type no further. By morning, this post will no longer make sense to me anyway. In fact, I don't think it really does right now. But I'm gonna throw my jersey in the dryer and get some sleep. 'Night...

10:46pm: ...I need the smell of summer I need its noises in my ear...
Well, it's about that time where I'm starting to get fed up with things. Yeah, school. Okay, nevermind, guess I was fed up with school in about October. But I'm really kinda feelin' it now - my biology report on Mustangs, my 3 lessons and a short story to write for Creative Writing, Algebra (pretty sure I bombed a test today - math is NOT my strong point) stuff like that. And track was going pretty well, I felt pretty confident in my running after running a pretty good 2 mile time awhile ago - but on Saturday, I ran 38 seconds slower than the time before. My confidence in my running level just SHOT down right there. Granted, it was a really hot day and I hadn't warmed up properly or even run a race before it, but still. Thought I'd take some time to write about the things I'm really looking forward to about summer:

Flip-flops. The smell of sunscreen. Horseback riding. My youth trip to Montana. Soaking up some rays while lifeguarding. Freedom. Skinny dipping. No homework. Road trips. Bible camp. Staying out late and sleeping in. Driving around. Jumping off Thompson Bridge. Concerts - well, Warped Tour's on the agenda anyway. Kari's coming home. Reading - hopefully I'll be motivated to do some of that. Watermelon. Mr. Freezies. Watching baseball tournaments. Sunflower seeds. Warm summer nights.

10:57pm: This is kinda weird but...
I'm realizing more and more that lately, I've been looking for a deeper meaning in so many things I do. Things maybe aren't just the way they are anymore - I seem to be looking for something BEYOND what they are. I lately have been getting a feeling of emptiness - a desire for something deeper that I can sink my teeth into, something I can share with someone. I tried explaining this to two of my friends the other day, and they just laughed at me. Sometimes I can sorta fullfill it by a great conversation about life and how we deal with the people and obstacles in it, like the one I had with my mom last night on the way home from the track meet. Or kinda-sorta fullfill it galloping bareback across an open field on my horse like I did the other night. I just have this desire to have life be so much more than it is. This same school, track, go home, probably go on msn no-variety routine with the same people and the same shallow conversations. (Granted, they're not ALL shallow) I just need something MORE, and until then, I'm running around life trying to sink my teeth into things that maybe are too thin or light to even bite into...

6:43pm: Irritability.
The littlest things got on my nerves all day today. It was awful. Practically anything anyone said just grated on my nerves. And track was horribile. Suck. I think I'm gonna go read a book and eat something.

10:11pm: things to be happy about
Well today was pretty good. Other than track, which made me crabby for the duration of the practice and for a couple hours afterward (I was cured by my horseback ride) there were several good things that happened, and I decided to make a list of things to be happy about.

1. Track. Well today, track sucked, because it was extremely hot, the sun drained me of any energy whatsoever, and my legs were kinda sore from the meet before. We ran over 4 miles, which normally shouldn't be too bad, but just killed today. And, well, I don't want to go to into details, but there were a few people annoying me. Oh well. ANYWAY - track YESTERDAY...we had a meet, and I ran the 4 x 8 relay, and the 2 mile, which I wanted to run. Aaaaand - this is way cool - well first of all, I got a new personal record in the 4 x 8 by 4 seconds. And then - the 2 mile - okay, I'm kinda slow by like state-qualifying status, but my previous personal record was 14:09, and my goal for this year was to get under 14 - so all day I wanted a 13:59 and - I got a 13:59.95! I was pumped.

2. Algebra. (Well, Algebra TODAY - We hafta make sure we got that straight) Yay for one day of EASY algebra that I understood! Kinda hard to get logitherims er whatever the hay they're called wrong.

3. Creative Writing. Yeah, I'm way behind, but I have a schedule of what I need to get done, and I'll be writing my short story in a little while. I had Ms. Rosin read some of the stuff that I was about to send in, and she wrote "Superb! I just got pulled into your story and it dragged me write along!" Then I had her read something else and she just looked at me and said "You should publish." hehe - I was pumped. Writing's fun.

4. Horseback riding. I was so crabby after practice today, and all through Bible study, that as soon as I got home from Bible study, all I wanted to do was ride horse. I just put on my cowboy boots and drove out to the farm. My dad was already out there, so I went on a little bareback ride with him. I was feeling a little rusty on my riding skills, since I haven't ridden much lately, and my horse was a little rusty as well. But my dad wanted to drive some loping, and LaQuinta just TOOK off - she was cruisin - it was so awesome - flying across the field, bareback, with my eyes watering against the wind - there's nothing like it.

Well I'm outta here - I'm sure there's more to be happy about, and right now I'm happy that I've decided to go to bed, and maybe for the first time in over 5 months, it'll be before 11. (*gasp*) Night...